Butterscotch Blues
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By
Margaret Johnson-Hodge
Copyrighted by Margaret Johnson-Hodge. All Rights Reserved
You got lucky. Isn’t that what Janice told her?
Adrian, the wonder boy. Fine, sweet, and gorgeous. Had there been anybody else she wanted more?
Two days ago Sandy had operated in ignorant bliss, AIDS so far from her mind it was as if the word never existed. But the paradise had been taken from her and in its place lived fear. No, Adrian didn’t have it, but his ex-girlfriend did.
This was all she could consider as Adrian placed his lips to hers, her body tensing, lips gathering, retreating, closing off Adrian’s tongue. Her whole being, her physical and emotional self, pulled away from him, taking her far from his space.
He looked at her, sadness in every breath he took. “I’ve been testing negative for two years. No danger in kissing.”
She looked away. Found her self wanting to be somewhere else, anyplace else but across from the man that not two days ago she had loved with all her heart.
That was the Sandy she wanted to be, the one without doubt, worries or concerns. She didn’t want to be the one who now played the game of ‘maybe he got it, maybe he don’t.’
“You afraid of me?”
Sandy willed her eyes to seek his. She didn’t want to say it, didn’t want to make it true, but there was no way she could keep it to herself. “Kinda hard now.”
“If I hadn’t told, you would have never known.”
He was right, of course. If he hadn’t told—and he very well could have kept the knowledge to himself—Sandy would be all in his stuff. But she knew now, and her words came fast and accusatory. “But you did tell me.”
“Because I didn’t want no secrets, and you needed to understand the risk.”
“And it makes afraid.”
Adrian stood, his hand sweeping the air. “There’s brothers who haven’t been tested and probably got it…other brothers who have it, know and aren’t telling. I came to you, telling you the truth, and now you’re afraid. I should have known.”
No, she wanted to say. No, I’m not like that. But there was a chill in her bones that numbed reason. “God knows I appreciate you telling me, Adrian. Appreciate you believing and adhering to safe sex, but it’s hard for me. Hard not to be afraid. Like you said, I don’t want to die over making love.”
He studied her a long time. His eyes sliding into a soft and knowing sadness. “Can’t make you unafraid of me, Sandy…just the way it goes. All I can say is, five months ago I got my test and it was negative. That I’ve had five in all and no virus in my system was ever detected. Now, if that’s not enough, then there’s no reason for me to be here.”
Yes or no, his eyes were asking. Make up your mind, the golden irises demanded.
“I don’t know Adrian. Got to take some time and think.” Which was the truth. She didn’t want to see him leave her life, but she had to decide what kind of life it would be. Platonic friends? Buddy pals? Take me out, drop me home? No kiss good-night, no skin to skin? No he didn’t have AIDS, but he had been exposed to someone who did, and to her it was nearly the same thing.
“Need some time,” she implored.
The hurt in his eyes was no surprise. “Thought you could handle the truth. Guess I was wrong. I’m outta here.”
Sandy, wanting him gone, didn’t try to stop him.